Criminal
by teenageFBI
Summary: A car chase story, in which Mulder obeys the road rules and the criminal buys some mentos. Written before Austin Power 2.


**The car chase**

The car chase Mulder and Scully and involved in a huge car chase. (They're chasing). There are many police cars, sirens blaring, helicopters hover above, the out of control driver has been driving all over the country, stopping only for petrol and mentos. As the chased car nears a red light, the driver slows to a stop and waits patiently. The police cars behind also stop, the police officers inside tapping their fingers impatiently and making polite conversation about the weather with their partners.   
cut to Mulder and Scully's car>   
M "Stupid law abiding criminals."   
S "Are you we're the ones chasing? You remember last time-"   
M "This is _soooo_ different right here."   
S: "And remember the time you-"   
M "GREEN LIGHT!"   
Car tires: "Screech!"   
S hits her head as they go over a speed bump. Scully's head: "Thump!"   
S: "Ow!"   
M (drools excitedly, as their car grows closer to the criminals.)   
Scully's head "Thump!"   
S "Ow!"   
M: (Drools even more)   
Suddenly the criminal's car comes to a screeching halt the criminal exits and walks casually towards a shop to buy some mentos. A police officer contacts his sergeant on a walkie-talkie to ask if they should follow the criminal. The sergeant sarcastically says no. The lowly police officers, missing the sarcasm do not follow, and so they lose him once again. Mulder buys mentos also, making polite chitchat with the criminal as he does so. Scully is unconscious, having been hit on the head one to many times.   
M: "Hey I love mentos!"   
C: "Hey! Me too!"   
Shop guy: "That'll be five dollars seventy." M and C exchange a glance   
Shop guy: (evilly) "**Each**."   
M and C, still looking at each other nod simultaneously and then jump on the shop guy tearing shreds from his clothing with their teeth.   
Shop guy: "Ahhhhh! Noooo! Please… ehhh…" faints>   
Criminal grabs the cash register and jumps in the car, while Mulder stocks up on mentos.   
C: "Puff, puff." (The cash register is heavy) C reaches the car and throws the cash register in the back seat. Unfortunately the window was closed, and glass was shattered all over the back seat. He then jumps in the driver's seat and beeps the horn. M comes running, tips the mentos in the back and jumps in after them.   
M: "Yeoch!!!" Archie style>   
M jumps up and takes off his pants, which are stained with blood and have glass embedded in them. He sits back down, screams and realizes the glass is on the _seat_, not his pants.   
M: (to criminal) "Uhhh... there's glass back here, you should really get rid of it."   
C "You're probably right." (stops the car, grabs the cash register, jumps out and throws cash register into the next car, jumps back in)   
M: "Um, ok." (gets in front seat where there is no glass) "LET'S HIT THE ROAD!!"   
C: "YEAH!" (turns key, engine makes noise then dies)   
M: "Uhhh... let's try that again... LET'S HIT THE ROAD!!"   
C: "YEAH!" (engine dies)   
Police Officer: (sticks head out window) "HEY! BUDDY! WHAT'S THE HOLD UP?"   
-Cut to Mulder and Scully's car-   
S: (comes to). "Huh.. Mulder?..." (remembers the speed bump incident) "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!" (gets out of car to look for Mulder).   
(please note: in the background the police are honking their horns and yelling etc.)   
-Cut to criminal's car-   
M is wiping broken glass out of criminal's car and whimpering in pain as the glass cuts his hands.   
M: "...mmm..._ow_...mmm..."   
C hands him a brush.   
M: "Wow, I don't know why somebody didn't think of this before."   
The car bonnet is up and a police man is fiddling around with the engine.   
Police man 1: "Ok, you're all set. Don't you go getting a head start on us, now!"   
C: (with a cheesy grin) "Wouldn't dream of it officer."   
All get back in their cars.   
Pm1: (leaning out window) "THREE..TWO..ONE.."   
Tires: screech!!>   
Suddenly a cliff appears up ahead, C's car goes flying off the cliff and lands on the other side. The police cars come to a screeching halt. They get out of their cars and stare over the cliff.   
Pm1: "I dunno Bob... there's no way we can get across with these Dunlop tires.."   
Bob: "Well.. change one car to Bridgestone and one to good year and we'll do a test drive."   
Pm1 (hurries off)   
Bob yells over cliff:   
Bob: "WE'RE HAVING SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, IF YOU COULD JUST WAIT FOR ONE MINUTE PLEASE."   
C: "Dunlop's?"   
Bob: "Yep..." looks fairly embarrassed   
A dopey looking young policeman speaks up: "Uhhh... we could, uh, build a bridge..?"   
Bob + everyone look at him sceptically.   
Bob: "Right... you're test-driving the car."   
(On the other side of the cliff C is miming: 'I see you're sending the bridge-lover as the test-dummy. Good idea.' Which is hard to do, especially over a long distance.)   
(C waves his arms about madly, kicks his legs about madly, loses balance, falls to the ground and groans).   
M: (who is picking glass out of his hands) "Ow! ... pick> Ow! ... pick> Ow! ... DONE!"   
-Cut back to police-   
They are strapping BridgeLovingPoliceman into a car. He is looking quite distressed.   
BLPM: whimper>   
Pm1: "Sir! Bridgestones in place, sir!"   
Bob: "Good, good, let's see how he likes bridges now, eh? haw haw haw>"   
BLPM: "Ok, ok I'm verging on annoyed now..."   
-Cut to Scully-   
S is climbing up the other side of the cliff.   
S: "Pant pant> heave ho! pant pant>" (She reaches the top)   
M is going around with a dustpan and brush sweeping up the pieces of broken glass.   
Cut to police> 

They are all hanging off the sides of the test car, some are hanging off each other as there isn't much room. The car flies off the cliff. 

-Cut to Mulder, on the other side of the cliff-

(The police car has landed safely except all the police officers on the bottom have been squashed to death. May they rest in peace.)

S: Hits M over the head with a frypan she materialised from her trench coat.

M: "Oh." falls to the ground, unconscious. 

Remaining police officers crowd around, staring at Scully.

S: "What? ... Wh-what!!...He was annoying me...he hit me before, remember?...the speed bump incident...no reply why is everyone staring at me?!"

Pm1: looking her up and down You make me sick."

Pm2: looking her up and down "Where'd that frying pan come from?"

S: looks caught out, throws frying pan behind back; it knocks out two policemen and injures more "What frying pan?"

Pm1: "The one that just hit me on the fricking head!" rubs head

S: "Now, now, no need to swear."

In the BG Pm2 drags the two knocked out policemen to the side of the cliff and pushes them over.

S: To Pm2 "Why did you do that?"

Pm2: "They were in the way...What? if we just left them, there, _anyone_ could have tripped over them...What?...They were a danger... a health hazard...WHAT?"

S: looking him up and down "You make me queasy!"

C: coming up behind her "Queasy?"

S: "Sick was already taken."

Pm3:who had been knocked over the cliff "Uh...Hello? I'm.. still alive, I believe I was hit by a speeding frypan and dragged over a cliff but I-"

Pm2: sulkily "You were in the _way._"

Pm3: "-But I'm still alive. If someone could help..please..?"

M (who has regained consciousness), S, C, and the remaining police officers look over the cliff with blank expressions on their faces. Everyone is silent.

Pm3: "...Hello?..."

C: "Let's get the show on the road!" jumps back into his car, M climbs in after

The other policemen get in the bridgestone tyered car.

S: "Hey! What about me?"

Cars screech away, sirens blaring

S: "HEY!!"

Pm3: "Anyone there...Agent Scully?..."

S: who is sitting sulkily on a rock "Yeah?"

Pm3: "Oh thank god! If there's a rope or something, if you could just-"

S: "Nope. Nothing like that up here."

In the BG we can see a ladder shop there are signs that read "20% off rope ladders" or "Special on rope adders, today only." etc 

S: "Sorry. I guess you'll just have to die slowly and painfully in the hot sun."

Pm3: "Um, yes."-pause- "Do you think you could at least throw a rock or something, to knock me out?"

S: "Sure." Throws rock

-THUD-

-Silence-

Pm3:after a moment "Uh, right. I'm still conscious. Do you think you could just-"

S: "Oh for god's sake!" gets up and walks in the direction the cars went. On the way a man tries to sell her a rope ladder. She doesn't buy it.

-Cut to M and C-

M is hanging his head out the window trying to catch bugs either up his nose or in his mouth.

M: "got one! got one! your turn."

M takes the wheel while C sticks his head out the window and gets a butterfly speared on his cheek

M: "Ewww.You win."

-Cut back to cliff-

Camera focuses on top of cliff, Pm3 is unseen, but we can hear:

-THUD-

"Ow."

-THUD-

"Ow."

-THUD-

"Ow."

-THUD-

"GOD DAMN THAT HURTS!"

-Cut back to M & C's car-

M now has bugs smeared all over his hair and face and is chewing thoughtfully on a dragonfly 

-Cut back to cliff-

-THUD-

Pm3: In a tired bored sort of way "..Ow.."

Pm4: coming to "Ohhhh...where am I?"

Pm3: Giddy with excitement "Great! you can knock me unconscious!"

Pm4: "Huh?"

-Cut back to M and C-

M is screaming, he is caught in a swarm of insects. 

M: high pitched "AHHHHHHHHH! Oh god oh god oh god.."

-Cut back to cliff-

Pm3: "...So you see you must knock me unconscious."

Pm4: "But... _I_ don't want to be left alone down here!"

Pm3 considers this for a moment and then seems to some to a conclusion

Pm3: "Okay. Well here. hands Pm4 a rock "You throw this rock at me, picks up another rock and I'll throw this rock at you. On three, ready? ONE, TWO, THREE!" they both hurl their rocks at each other

-THUD-

Pm4: falls to the ground unconscious

Pm3 "DAMNIT!...dabs at forehead AND NOW I'M BLEEDING!" slaps forehead like an annoyed cartoon character, but apparently this is the last straw as he then falls unconscious

-Cut back to bug swarm-

M: "Ahhhhh!" 

C is putting on bug repellent of the roll on variety 

M: "Ahhhhhh!"

-Cut to Scully-

Scully is walking along a long deserted dirt road, you can see it disappear into the distance. It is kind of like route 66. Birds crow. Crickets do crickety things. Scully keeps on walking.

M is frantically spraying insect repellent and bug killer stuff everywhere. He hits his head on a sun visor. 

M: Stunned, unsure what he has hit "Yaaaaa!"

C pulls up next to a supermarket.

M: "Why are we stopping here?"

C: holds up empty mentos packets grimly

M looks a little pale. 

M: "Oh I see. Let's go."

The police car pulls up beside them.

-Inside Supermarket-

(don't cut, just go inside)

Supermarket music plays (similar to elevator music).

M has his head stuck in a frozen chicken.

Mstumbles, looks lost "Um...C?... S?...Anyone? Um, could someone please...Uh, help me?" 

In the BG women consol their children while warding them away from M

One of the policemen is taking pairs of stocking off the shelf and trying them on. 

Pm: looking down at self reflectively "Hmmm, yes, I think so.." 

-Cut to Scully-

Cowboy music plays. S is wearing a cowboy hat , boots. and chaps. She has an extravagantly decorated gun holster. She stops and drinks messily from a drink bottle. Suddenly a cloud moves and she notices the supermarket in the distance. Triumphant music plays and she runs towards it.

-Inside supermarket-

S: delirious with joy and relief "At last I have found civilisation!!"

M: Stumbles over a pyramid of cans "Sc-Scully, is that you?" gropes the air blindly

S: Sees M, her cowboy get up is suddenly gone "Oh, Hi Mulder. sigh" She goes about removing the chicken from his head, placing one foot on his stomach and pulling with all her might

Pm3: I know he was unconscious last time we used him but time has elapsed and he woke up some time during it "Hello...Hello, is someone up there? Hello? Please help me..." 

All X-files characters ever created by anyone ignore him.

Pm3: "Well, if you're going to ignore me could you at least throw a rock or something-" He screams pitifully as thousands of rocks come plummeting down, burying him but leaving Pm4 untouched. (The X-files has had _a lot _of extras.. not to mention all this fanfic) Dust cloud rise from the depths of the cliff. Pm4 slowly wakes up, but a lowly straggler at the back and hadn't had time to throw his rock pelts it down. 

Pm4: "Ow!" faints

Muffled voice of Pm3: "God damn it, hey! I'm still awake! how is that _possible_, I'm covered in rocks thrown from metres above...alright, which one of you gods hate me? come on, out with it! Uhhh...My body is swelling unusually fast...Oh great. I have the plague. God damn it!"

All X-files characters ever created by anyone move away as Pm3 keeps muttering.

Pm3: "I mean I'm _buried _ in rocks down here, for god's sake! cough cough...wait something's moving in here cautiously...hello?"

Some Character: swims to the surface of the rock pile "pant pant Sorry. All the rocks were taken so I just threw my self in. Hope you don't mind."

Pm3: "At least maybe I'll die of the plague now..." His plague is miraculously cured

Pm3: "DAMNIT!"

Some Character: "Sorry. I'm the miracle man."

Pm3: muttered "Great. just my luck."

Pm4: waking up "Ohhhh..."

Pm3: "We have _company_!" gestures to Miracle man... A.K.A Jeremiah Smith 

Mm: "Hello."

Pm4: "Hey, aren't you the miracle man?"

Mm: blushing "Yes.."

Pm4: "Wow! can I have your autograph?"

Mm: "Sure!" proceeds to write autograph

Pm3: Who is looking up at the cliff thoughtfully "Hey...This cliff isn't that high...If we stand on each others' shoulders, we could reach that little ledge up there" getting excited "And from there, there a bunch of rocks we could use to climb to the top! But we can't do it alone. Well, guys? What're say?" He turns around to find the pile of rocks has tumbled over Mm and Pm4. 

Pm3: "DAMNIT!" to sky "Why me??"

-Cut to supermarket-

S is bending over M with a hacksaw trying to cut a large turkey off M's head. 

S: "What are the chances of you going flying backwards and getting you head stuck in this turkey, having being freed from the chicken..?"

M: "Apparently pretty good."

In the BG another guy is walking around with a turkey on his head. He bumps into a shelf, causing some boxes of cereal to fall on him. He gets up and shakes himself off in a dignified sort of way. M, ofcourse can't see any of this, S coughs.

S: "Better than you think.."

-Cut to heaven-

Pluto is looking at a monitor which displays the cliff. 

Pluto: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haahhahaha... hey, Zeus, get a load of this guy... heh heh.."

Zeus: "Haw haw haw.."

This goes on for awhile

Zeus wipes the tears from his eyes. 

Z: "Did you give him the plague yet?"

P: "sniff Uh huh, it was so cool, he was all like 'finally, I'm going to die' and then He stops for a second to control his laughter and then I sent the miracle man.." At this point he breaks off, unable to recount his story for laughter

Z: "I'll go get the others, they have to see this..."

-Cut to cliff-

Pm3: To his sock, which is on his hand, with eye holes cut into it "Sigh Do you ever get the feeling the gods are laughing at you?"

-Cut to heaven-

We watch the gods all hysterically laughing for 7 seconds.

-Cut back to cliff-

Pm3: "Yeah, you're right, that's just crazy." they look up at the stars-yeah, it's night time now

-Cut to Supermarket-

M has eaten his way out of the turkey. He is lying bloated on the floor picking his teeth with a bone. S, meanwhile is on the phone calling for help. She turns around to see M, on the floor, turkey-less. 

S: hanging up the phone "Mulder! how did you get out?"

M: "Um, I uh, used soapy water. Yeah, that's it. soapy water. It came right off. I certainly didn't _eat_ my way out."

S: "Oh. Ok. So why are you wearing a bib?"

M: "Shut-up."

S: "And you look kind of bloated-"

M: "-SILENCE."

S: "Ok, M. Whatever you say. I suppose if I ask that small crowd of people over there staring at you in horror they'd say the same thing?"

M: Panicked "Uh, yes. Heh.. of course. Just let me talk to them first." runs over

S watches as M appears to be negotiating with some guy. After a moment he begins gesturing madly, and finally he holds a gun to the guy's head and calls S over.

M: "Hey S, we're ready now!"

S walks over and the guy begins reciting, whenever he stumbles or hesitates M hits him in the back of the head with his gun.

SomeGuy: "Um, Agent Mulder used to M What was it? OW! Uh, soapy water, to uh, OW! speeding up to get the chicken-OW-turkey off his head." he sighs with relief

M looks smug.

S: "Right."

Suddenly the super market doors are smashed open by an FBI swat team, who were called by the worried owner of the supermarket.

Supermarket owner: approaching M and S "There they are, they're claiming to be FBI...there's some people claiming to be police too, in the frozen foods section. And a man claiming to be a criminal."

Everyone freezes, the camera pans around and stops on C, who is stuffing his pants with money from the cash register. He begins to look uneasy, stops and looks up

C: "What?"

As M, S, Pm1 and Pm2 are being dragged away in hand cuffs, Pm3, Pm4 and Mm enter. Pm3 is dirty, sweaty, and has a thin line of blood trickling down his face. His clothes are ripped and he is panting heavily. Pm4 and Mm look surprisingly well. A little dusty from the rocks, but pretty much fine. 

Pm3: "pant pant I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!! YOU HIT ME FRYING PANS, YOU DRAG ME OVER CLIFFS, YOU LEAVE ME TO DIE...AND NOW _I'M _NOT GOING TO HELP YOU!"

Pm4: quietly to Mm "I get these terrible ulcers, do you think you could.."

Mm: nodding understanding "No problem." he waves his hands about a bit 

Pm4: checks his mouth "Hey! Thanks!"

Pm3: To pm4 and Mm "Hey, back me up here, guys!"

Pm4: not hearing Pm3, to the FBI agents taking M and S away "Hey...why are you taking those law-abiding, by the book, top FBI agents away in handcuffs?...and our police colleagues as well..."

Other FBI agents freeze.

OFBIA1: "Huh?"

C: "What about me?"

Pm4: "Well..."

OFBIA1: who has now seen M and S's badges "I'm sorry sir, ma'me, you're free to go." M, S and the police are un-cuffed.

C: To M "Help me escape and I'll buy you more mentos."

Narrator: "...And so, all the police and FBI agents went home, M helped C escape, S developed a healthy turkey phobia, Mm continued healing people, and the supermarket shut for the day leaving Pm3 locked in."

All the lights are switched off, we can see the supermarket dimly by the light of the street lamp outside, the camera follows the sound of a quiet and shaking voice until we can hear Pm3 speaking:

Pm3: "Hello...I...I have my foot caught in a magazine rack...if someone could just pass me that hacksaw... I...hello? ...anyone?" 

cut to bird's eye view of the supermarket. We hear a blood curdling scream.

**The end**

(You can stop reading now)


End file.
